On the weekend I had a sore back. I don’t know what I did, or why it was so sore, but it slowly got worse through the day and by dinner time, I was laying on the couch with a heat pack, in pretty much agony. My muscles had started spasming and my back was so sore, I was tensing my muscles so much that every time I moved my whole body felt like it was rigid.
I decided I was done with the day and got up to make a cup of tea to take with me to bed. I was standing in the kitchen bent over like a crippled old witch laughing at myself because it seemed so funny for some reason. My husband yelled from the lounge “Are you laughing or crying? I can’t tell”. Through my almost hysterical laughter I think I just spoke some gibberish at which point he realised I was incapable of functioning as an adult anymore and came and walked me to bed like a little child.
Something about the way he did this just opened the floodgates and I stood there, hunched over, one hand on the wall, one hand on the sock I was trying to take off and burst into sobbing, heaving tears. He came up to me, engulfed me in his arms, my face smashed in his ugly but snuggly dressing gown and I cried. He said to me “It’s okay to cry Al, sometimes you have to let it all out.” He put me to bed, tucked me in and by the next day my back had miraculously healed, only feeling a little tender.
A week later, something that my hubby said to me has stayed with me…..“It’s okay to cry Al.” He’s such a good man, and this is obviously something he has heard me say on several occasions. I probably talk about my feeling way more than he is comfortable with, but he very rarely sees me ‘lose it’. I pride myself on my ability to deal with and work through any emotions that I might have in a positive and healthy way, but this time I hadn’t. Something about that day, or the days preceding had been on my mind, and my body had manifested these issues. This incident has made me think that maybe I am very good at preaching but not very good at taking my own advice. Because my hubby is correct, it is okay to cry and sometimes you just have to get it all out. You have to ‘ugly’ cry, you have to shake it off, to exorcise all your feeling and emotions that may be building up, blocking your mind and body.
Sometimes it’s okay to just be sad. We are so busy trying to be what everyone else wants us to be, we have to put our face on when we go in public, pretend that everything is perfect in our Stepford lives, that nothing impacts us, nothing ever goes wrong, and we never have a bad day.
But we know that this isn’t true. We have bad days. Things that happen to us impact us, we obsess about comments people make about us, looks that we are given, emails we are sent. We know things go wrong, a lot! So why are we so scared to just say that? why do we feel that we need to be perfect all the time? Wouldn’t the word be so much brighter if we embraced our ‘wrongness’ we embraced the fact that we are our own type of perfect. And if we have a bad day, we allow our self to feel sorry for our self. To have a cry, to have a yell and just get all the negative energy out of our mind and body.
It wasn’t until a few days later that I understood the connection with my sore back and the things going on in my life. Nothing had physically happened to my back to make it sore, it just started during the day. I was able to really examine my feelings from the day, and from the weeks and months before that day to pin point what may have caused my body to start to seize up.
So I decided to listen to my body. My wonderful friend and I went to a ‘Deep Meditation and Relaxation’ class at the local Community centre, we sat and chanted and listened to the singing and guitar playing, we laughed about it afterwards, but it really was a great tool to remind me to let it go, let it all out. Whether it was being with a non-judgemental friend, who knows me so well, the type of friend you can let it all hang out with and they still love you. Whether it was being out in the community, joining a group of like-minded people, who didn’t care what they looked like or sounded like. Whether it was the guided meditation and the singing. I actually felt better afterwards and feel positive and happy today.
I need to allow myself to be sad, because let’s be honest, there are sad things happening. It was a great reminder of how important it is for me to be in tune with my mind and body and I have made a promise to myself to try and be more in tune with what my body tells me.
Next time body if you could just not make me feel like an old women, that would be appreciated.